True Love
Is he really the one? Can we be together all our lives? In a serious relationship, each of us sooner or later asks himself similar questions. How do you recognize true love? Psychoanalysts suggest.
What is love? A feeling that gives you absolute happiness? Or an experience that plunges into emotional chaos? Neither one nor the other. Even mutual love does not give a feeling of harmony and serenity. But it excites and shakes us over the years. Love is a multifaceted feeling, these are its components.
1. Seeing a riddle in another person
Love is a mysterious feeling. We feel it, but we do not understand. The force that pulls towards a person is inexplicable. We seek him not because we like the way he looks, rich or powerful, not because he looks like a parent or other significant person. If the union can be explained logically — “she replaced his mother” or “they are together because of money”, there can be no talk of true love. In her case, we are always guided by a mystery.
“Love refers to our unconscious: to some kind of childhood experience, loss or longing for what we could not receive. It affects that part of the personality that is unknown to us, ”explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulet. — That is why it is a mistake to think that in a relationship two “halves” should merge, which give rise to something whole. This view is the reason why many married couples break up. When a person in a relationship feels understatement, he may decide: this is not his half. But this is certainly not the case. To truly love means to always remain intrigued by the secret of another person. “
2. Be afraid to lose
And constantly. And not only another person, but also yourself, dissolving in him. In his work “Dissatisfaction with culture” Sigmund Freud explains this phenomenon: “We fall into dependence on another, because we constantly need him to support us in our existence.” Hence the fear of loss.
“Love means risk,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. “This feeling is so dizzying that we are sometimes even drawn to reject it in order to protect ourselves from the frightening power of another person over us.”
Freud emphasized that Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you — I am destroying you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other. Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to sever this connection so that our “I” remains omnipotent.
If we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in a wonderful new territory.
“It’s hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskovitz. — Love always brings torment. It affects our very being — what we are in this world. Only a few are aware of this. Once alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected. But if we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in a wonderful new territory, where feelings are revealed with renewed vigor. “
True love is not a good business deal. The whirlpool of feelings is dangerous for both partners. Therefore, we often doubt the other. But even if he tries to pull away, that doesn’t always mean that he doesn’t love. Perhaps he is simply afraid of losing himself.
3. Be ready to take a step into the unknown
In love, nothing is predetermined. No one can guarantee that feelings will be constant, and life together will be long and happy. “Love relationships are a special world in which everything is not ruled by reason,” explains Monica Schneider. — But you shouldn’t set yourself up for the worst.
Sometimes, because of past experiences of unsuccessful relationships, we convince ourselves in advance that we are doomed to suffer. To truly love, one must be able to believe in a miracle again, accept the unknown and learn to be patient. “
4. Feel the desire
Here, at first glance, everything is simple: to love a person means to desire him. Research confirms that physical intimacy helps maintain relationships and keeps the fire of love from dying. Without the exchange of affection, lovers turn into roommates. You can have sex without love, but when there is love, intimacy gives you true pleasure.
If desire weakens, does that mean the relationship is over? Not at all! Our senses are influenced by many factors, they are cyclical and constantly experience periods of ups and downs. You may not want intimacy now, because you are just tired, have eaten too much or too little, are stressed, or, conversely, are pleasantly excited about some grandiose change. “There are days when it is enough for us that the loved one is just there,” explains Monica Schneider.
5. Feel alive
“To be loved is to feel that you have a right to exist,” the philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre argued. True love is finding the meaning of one’s existence in the world.
Love brings us back to childhood when it gives us the feeling that everything in the world revolves around us. Choosing each other, we highlight them, give them special significance. We recognize the importance of this person: we respect his views and hobbies, we accept his ideals.
He brings us his world, and we give him ours. This allows you to experience new feelings and open up new horizons. “Love helps to see all the colors of life,” sums up Monica Schneider. “True love makes you feel alive.”
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